I thought I was racing a mourning dove this morning as we traveled Soda Springs Road between a couple of peanut fields in the Littlefield bend of the Brazos River. We were running 40 mph and the dove paced us for a while on our right and then on our left. It seemed so effortless. A wingbeat or two every second, no evidence of strain, no apparent huffing and puffing. It occurred to me later as I pondered the event, relishing the power and grace of the tiny bird. One "birdpower" running on a few seeds and bugs effortlessly keeping pace with me in my 200 "horsepower" Suburban gulping gasoline at 20 mpg. The Grand Design puts our feeble efforts to shame in terms of efficiency, complexity and beauty. An humbling, but invigorating moment. All we need to do is accept the absolute power, permanence and grace. All the tools we need for a happy, fruitful, successful life were a gift that came with a promise that was confirmed with a sacrifice. I needed that moment this morning. Meditating on that moment can bring an acceptance and can banish worry. It is so obvious now that there is a plan, that the plan is much larger than us, that it is literally beyond our mortal comprehension and that it is incumbent that we accept it. It does not preclude our will, but simply predates it. It is our decision to accept or deny it, but we do not have the power to change it. For me, it is a relief. I know that all I am required to do is discern His will and the rest, well, not to worry.

We learned of the inevitabilities associated with RFW's disease last night. Hope has been relegated to the possibility of being elected to enter a program with a 10% 'success' rate. Success being defined as 'slowing the progress of the disease.' The chore I face is determining His will in this. What is it that he is teaching us, what is it that His plan requires of us? An acceptance of mortality, and a focusing on the promise of immortality? Is this a preparation for accepting our own mortality? I've viewed it at times as a chance for me to redeem myself, to support RFW as I failed to support my father, to experience the departure of a loved one without 45 years of confusion, anger, defeat and failure as my foundation. These thoughts sent me searching for an insight from a couple of summers ago. Oddly enough some few months after writing this I accepted Christ as my Savior. Funny, I told (and still tell) people I wrestled with God for fifty years, until I finally let me win. I don't think it was fear that motivated me as much as exhaustion, just worn down from the growing realization of the infinitesimal control we exert over our lives. I think it was simply an acknowledgment of needing God's support and help and admitting fallibility.

MORTALITY
Suddenly, as if in a gust of cold, icy, breath-stealing wind, mortality entered my universe. Oddly, it came not as a threat, but as a fact, a simple, real, undeniable fact. It made me feel an urgency, like a need to urinate, physical, undeniable, elemental and eclipsing any conscious thoughts, or silly concepts of "self" control, or any illusion of any control for that matter. It felt like GOD had tapped me on the shoulder, not angry or spiteful, just a loving reminder, a word to the wise, and a clue for the clueless.

- - Summer 2001 - -